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Q&A: I need to watch p0rn during sex to keep going

You've met a girl (or older woman), you're vibing and now it's go time. You want this. You really do! Things are heating up, you're into it, but suddenly certain parts aren't cooperating. The only thing that would bring life back to your wilting appendage would be to whip out some porn on the cell phone.

Why is this happening??!! How do I avoid this?! What if it happens again?!

I have been on the receiving end of this several times over the course of my cougar career. Play comes to an absolute stop, followed by the desperate attempts to maintain firmness. A deep draw on a vape is followed by a meek suggestion that porn would help sex continue.

The first time this happened to me, I was stunned because aren't younger men supposed to be ready to go at any time and go multiple rounds without issue? I quizzically asked, "Buutttt, we are having sex. Like I'm here in the flesh. Isn't that even better and hotter?" Apparently, no, it's not at all. And now I know why.

Young men have access to a WIDE array of porn from a very young age. It's like Pavlov's dog being conditioned over time. Watching porn gets linked to masturbation (not intercourse or other forms of sex play) specifically, and now it's like a third party in the room that becomes necessary in order to maintain an erection. This is compounded by the desensitization over time from watching porn where more and more extreme and often violent acts are necessary for arousal and climax.

So if she's not on her hands and knees taking it in every imaginable hole by a tribe of men who only know jackhammer speed followed by a gush of man fluid all over her pretty little face, you're like 'meh.' This is problematic, and you need to reset how your senses are responding to outside and inside stimuli.

There is a way to have a better relationship with porn. Australia's leading men's sex coach Cam Fraser has some great tips in this Instagram post. His tips center on how you choose and interact with porn. His approach incorporates mindfulness and presence with your relationship to porn. (Follow Cam's amazing work on Insta or

So let's say this happens to you. Here's how I like to proceed. (Most of these apply, too, in cases of nerves. If you have whiskey dick, I can't help you. Sober tf up.)

- Stop and acknowledge what's happening. I often try to inject humor because guys get really panicked.

- Acknowledge that even if you haven't been reliant on porn, so many factors affect arousal, including stress levels, alcohol, pressure, nerves and mental state.

- Take the pressure off the penis. Remember, your partner is there, and bringing pleasure to your partner can be a HUGE turn on for YOU! Porn never discloses this dirty little secret. So many times, guys stop play altogether because THEY can't hold an erection. This is selfish and foolish. There are a 101 ways to have fun that don't involve penetrative sex or the penis as star of the show. Think touch, tongue and toys as well as different erogenous zones that weren't on the list.

- Take a break altogether. Have a snack, cuddle and laugh, watch a movie or a show, scroll through TikTok, have some conversation, shower, take a nap or bubble bath.

- Slowly bring the penis back into action. Gently touch, fondle and lick. Just fooling around with no end goal in mind. Take the finish out of the equation so your penis will just do what it's going to do, and let everyone be ok with that.

- Make pleasure the outcome versus any kind of sex you will have or how / if you will orgasm. Set your goal as fun and making each other feel the best you can feel, exploring with curiosity.

- Recognize that porn and its expectations on the penis are unrealistic as well as biologically and physically impossible. If you have a penis, you will have fluctuations at some point in your erection over your lifespan (and even in a sex session). This is perfectly normal.

Over time and with reconditioning, you will eventually develop a new patterning and response to visual stimuli. I've met several guys over the years who have sworn off porn entirely, and it's made a huge difference in their sex life and relationships.

Patsy Mennuti

Hella Cougar

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