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Back Door Bliss: No Shame

*this may be a bit graphic for some readers, proceed with caution

I lovingly refer to 2020 as the Year of the Asshole. Not because the guys were jerks, but because they came out of the woodwork looking for ass play.

I was about 50 years old at the time, and I could count on the one finger I used how many times I fooled around with a guy "back there," and I've had a good amount of sexual experience over my years in both relationships and as a single woman.

But 2020 hit different. I had multiple guys dancing around the subject of back door play and exploration--from finger stimulation on up to pretty massive toys. I was beyond shocked and surprised and asked myself what the hell was going on.

At first, I had to work through a few things--the biggest being the absolute ick factor having been raised by a strict nurse schooled in hygienic practices and being OCD about cleanliness during sex (I'm next level weird about it.) These activities are some of the hottest you can explore but also the damn near messiest, and for me, that hasn't been easy to overcome. But I'm a sexual adventurer so off I went with sanitizer and extra towels.

The next hurdle to surmount was the initial ill-informed assumption I had that these guys must secretly be gay if they were wanting anything in their ass. It took following several sex positive accounts and reading articles for me to realize that duh, it's anatomy, and it need not dictate one's sexual orientation (which is now begging me to explore what then makes a guy gay or bi--but that's another article). Looking back, some of these guys may have fallen further along the spectrum of gay, but most probably didn't.

Let's put it another way. Just because a woman likes receiving head doesn't mean she's a lesbian. And G spot in a vagina owner = P spot in a penis owner. (P = prostate) IT'S ANATOMY!! As Sex with Emily says, "Same parts organized differently."

The first time I witnessed a P-spot orgasm, I was literally blown away at the amount of pleasure this young man was experiencing. Like eyes rolled back in his head type shit. This is a very masculine presenting guy (let's call him Braxton), like 6'4", muscular, athletic, and he was begging for stimulation back there.

If I'm honest, I secretly wish I had something that sent me into that kind of pleasure zone. I've now had at least half a dozen sessions with Braxton over the years, and I learn more every time we're together. (I didn't know men could squirt, for instance, and it's not ejaculation. I wish I knew that to protect my bedsheets!)

One time when he was leaving, I looked at him directly and said, "I'm just going to level with you. If you ever choose the path of traditional marriage, you need to be able to do this and ask this of your wife. It's much too important to you sexually." He looked at me in a way that said, "No fucking way."

Other guys I have said something similar to have said to me, "No way would I do this with a girl my age. She would think I was effeminate and not manly. She would think I was secretly gay. She would tell my friends and people we know."

So, they are getting it on the down low with older women or maybe even other men. I message several older women, and most of them are pretty hip to this scene, and we find that younger men feel safe to explore this side of their sexuality with us because we are supportive, non judgmental and we don't know their circle of friends. There is no threat.

Since 2020, I have built up an arsenal of toys and doubled down in my exploration of this arena with younger men, and actually one adventurous man my age. I've approached it as a male pleasure research project, and it's been fascinating!

I broach the subject now with about every young man I meet, and most have had at least a bit of experience fooling around back there and most are open for some level of exploration with me. But there is still hesitation and shame in many.

My reason for writing on such a taboo topic is to help younger men and women understand a few key things so that we can reduce shame around it all and find acceptance that this is just all human sexual exploration. The key points are: it's anatomy and need not have anything to do with sexual preference, masculine men can also receive and it's not effeminate in the least, dominating and controlling pleasure can be fun, pleasuring your partner in any way is a HUGE turn on, and finally, if your ill-informed judgment is preventing certain exploration, your partner will likely be finding it elsewhere.

Questions? Comments? Drop me a line at

By Hella Cougar / Patsy Mennuti

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